Bert's Nightmare

THE RACCOONS FAN FICTION

BERT'S NIGHTMARE

Written by Stephen Ricketts, Jacob Turner & Brian Harrison

The Raccoons © Evergreen Raccoons Marketing Inc
Michelle Raccoon © Michelleraccoon
Alicia, Melanie & Zoza © Alicia Martin
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles © Mirage Studios & Fred Wolf Films


THE EVERGREEN FOREST AT NIGHT
THE RACCOONDOMINIUM
Bert Raccoon walked into the kitchen, and got out some bread and peanut butter. And he began making a sandwich. Ralph and Melissa walked in. Melissa was wearing her yellow night gown.
MELISSA: 'Are you making a midnight snack again, Bert?'
BERT: 'Yeah. Why?'
RALPH: 'Don't you remember what happened the last time you ate a peanut butter sandwich at midnight? You had such a bizarre dream, you couldn't tell real life from fantasy.'
MELISSA: 'You dreamt that aliens invaded, and took the form of everyone in the Evergreen Forest.'
BERT: (remembering) 'Oh yeah. Hose nose was so mad with me that day, when I pulled on his nose, thinking it was a disguise worn by an alien.'
RALPH: 'Yeah, and we don't want that to happen again.'
BERT: 'Relax guys. I mean, what are the chances I'll have a strange dream again?'
RALPH: 'We hope it never happens again, Bert.'
MELISSA: 'Better get back to bed.'
Ralph and Melissa left the kitchen.
BERT: 'Bizarre, yeah right.'
He held up his sandwich, and took a bite out of it.

BERT'S BEDROOM
Bert walked into the room, licking his fingers clean.
BERT: 'That was a great peanut butter sandwich. Now, back to bed.'
He got into his bed, and went to sleep.

THE NEXT DAY
Bert Raccoon was asleep in his bed, when he heard a roaring sound, which woke him up. Then the whole place shook.
BERT: 'Earthquake!'

OUTSIDE THE RACCOONDOMINIUM
Bert ran outside, and stopped to a screeching halt, when he looked up at the familiar monster in front of him. It was Lord Zydos.
ZYDOS: 'We meet again, Earth Raccoon.'
BERT: (shocked) 'Lord Zydos? But you're…'
ZYDOS: 'Gone? Destroyed? History? Well you thought wrong!'
All of a sudden, Lisa, Bentley and Michelle ran in front of Bert, facing up against Zydos.
LISA: 'I had a feeling you were back, Zydos!'
BENTLEY: 'Okay guys. Ready?'
BERT: 'Yes. (To the audience) I love it when we use our Power Rings.'
BENTLEY/ LISA/ MICHELLE: 'It's Morphin Time!'
They transformed into three Japanese superheroes. Lisa was wearing the Pink Zeo Ranger suit, minus the helmet. Michelle was dressed up like Sailor Mars. And Bentley was dressed up like Gargomon, wearing his pants, and wielding his Gargo Lasers.
BERT: (confused) 'What's going on here?'
BENTLEY: 'Don't you remember, Bert? We're the Justice League of Japan.'
BERT: 'Japan? This is Canada!'
LISA: 'No, it's not.'
BERT: 'Huh?'
MICHELLE: 'Mars Fireball Ignite!'
She fired her fireball attack at Zydos, causing explosions around him.
BENTLEY: 'Gargo Lasers!'
He fired his Gargo Lasers at the giant Dragon, and blasted him.
LISA: 'Zeo Power Sword!'
She swing her sword at Zydos, and the evil dragon collapsed on the ground, and exploded, just like the monsters in various Toei Tokusatsu TV shows. The three heroes landed in front of Bert, and changed back to normal.
BERT: 'What's going on here? Since when have we been living in Japan? And when did you guys become superheroes?'
LISA: 'Oh, Bert. You must've it your head hard. No wonder you didn't join us as Kamen Rider X-I.'
BERT: (confused) 'Kamen Rider what?'
All of a sudden the area shook again.
BERT: 'Now what?'
BENTLEY: 'The monster has returned, twice the size it originally was. Time to morph again.'
BERT: (shocked) 'Twice the size?!'
Zydos rose up, even bigger than before.
ZYDOS: 'We meet again, brats!'
LISA: 'We must morph and call on our giant Transformers.'
BERT: (confused) 'Transformers?'
ZYDOS: (raising his giant foot) 'You won't get the chance to.'
He stomped it down.

BERT'S BEDROOM
Bert woke up, screaming. He looked around.
BERT: 'Man, what a nightmare. That darn peanut butter sandwich.'
He got out of bed.
BERT: 'At least this time I know it was all unreal, especially Zydos. I saw him being destroyed. And since when was I a Kamen Rider?'

KITCHEN
Bert was sitting at the table, eating lunch with Lisa, Bentley and Michelle.
BERT: 'You guys aren't gonna believe it, but I had a strange dream last night. And you were all in it.'
BENTLEY: 'Really?'
BERT: 'Yeah.'
LISA: 'What happened, Bert?'
BERT: 'Well, our old friend, Zydos was here on Earth. Lisa, you were a Power Ranger. Michelle, you were a Sailor Warrior. And Bentley, you were a Digimon.'
LISA: 'Whoa.'
BENTLEY: 'Which Digimon was I? Agumon? Gabumon?'
BERT: 'You were the rabbit, Galgomon.'
MICHELLE: 'It's Gargomon, Bert.'
BENTLEY: 'The rabbit with the big guns? Cool?'
BERT: 'And the weirdest thing is this place was Japan. And I was a Kamen Rider.'
LISA: 'Well, at least you're not hallucinating this time. Ralph and Melissa warned me about what happens when you eat peanut butter in the middle of the night.'
BENTLEY: 'Which Kamen Rider were you, Bert?'
BERT: 'You know, I don't even remember.'

EVERGREEN BASEBALL FIELD
The sun was shining, and Bert, Ralph, Melissa, Cedric, Sophia, Michelle, Bentley, Lisa and Penny were all there, playing baseball. Melissa pitched the ball, and Bert swung it with a baseball bat. The ball flew across the field.
BERT: 'I'll go get it.'
He ran towards where the ball landed, and he saw it on the ground, next to some kind of surveillance camera machine, which was damaged and sparking.
BERT: 'What's that? And why do I have a feeling I'm gonna be in big trouble?'
All of a sudden, four characters leaped into the area, and they all landed in front of Bert, armed with their weapons. It was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, from the 1987 TV series.
BERT: (shielding his face) 'Please don't hurt me! It was an accident… (Looks at the turtles) Hey, you're the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.'
RAPHAEL: 'And you're Bert Raccoon. (To the camera) The strange characters you meet in crossover shows.'
DONATELLO: (looking at the surveillance device) 'Bert, did you damage this?'
BERT: (nervously) 'Err yes.'
LEONARDO: 'Great job my friend. We came here to destroy this ourselves. It's one of Shredder's spy cams.'
MICHAELANGELO: 'Yeah, old tin grin's tryin' to find new ways to take over the world.'
MELISSA: (from a distance) 'Bert!'
LEONARDO: 'We'll see you later.'
RAPHAEL: 'Yeah, keep in touch.'
The four turtles leaped away and disappeared from sight. Ralph and Melissa ran up to Bert.
RALPH: 'What took you so long?['
BERT: 'You're not going to believe this, but I was just talking with the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".'
RALPH: 'See, Bert? This is exactly what we warned you about last night with that Peanut Butter sandwich.'
BERT: 'But it's true this time.'
MELISSA: 'Honestly, Bert. You and your strange hallucinations.'

DIMENSION X: THE TECHNODROME
Shredder, Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady were all in the main room. Krang was at the controls.
KRANG: 'Spy camera forty two has been damaged, but we still have video transmission. I'm bringing it up now (burps as he says "now").'
SHREDDER: 'It must be those blasted…'
The big portal screen showed Bert, Ralph and Melissa.
SHREDDER: (surprised) 'Raccoons?! Krang, are you sure that's the spy camera? Or did you accidentally put on the C-B-C channel?'
KRANG: 'That's the spy camera, Shredder. Those three must have damaged it. I'm sending you and those mutants of yours to the Evergreen Forest, so you can repair it.'
BEBOP: 'Those raccoons sure look cute.'
ROCKSTEADY: (giggles) 'Yeah. Maybe we can have one as a pet.'
SHREDDER: (to Bebop and Rocksteady) 'Oh shut up you mutant morons!'
KRANG: (pulling a lever) 'I'm opening the portal now. Don't foul up this time.'
SHREDDER: (to Bebop and Rocksteady) 'You heard him you cretins!'
KRANG: 'I was talking to you too, Shredder.'
Shredder groaned.

THE SNEER MANSION: CYRIL'S OFFICE
Cyril was watching TV.
CYRIL: 'The latest advert about Pepsi was filmed on location at a Sneer Cola store here in the Evergreen Forest. I've been waiting patiently for the last thirty minutes. A-Ha! It's the advert. (Getting mad) What?! They censored the Sneer logo, digitally?! (Sarcastically) Well, that's just perfect! (Normally) This is the one thing I hate about modern technology, in T-V shows, T-V ads, and even music videos. They digitally censor certain things! In my day, they never did stuff like that. The only things they censored was nudity and bad language during daytime T-V! It's like the world's gone mad!'

OUTSIDE THE VAULT
Lloyd, Floyd and Boyd were dancing with Alicia, Zoza and Melanie.
LLOYD: 'It looks like we're ready for the dance competition tonight.'
ALICIA: 'Yeah.'
All of a sudden the six pigs heard a strange noise, and looked up. They saw a glowing light blue square, and Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady fell through it. They all landed on the ground.
LLOYD/ FLOYD/ BOYD: 'Intruders! Intruders!'
Alicia set off the alarm. The bells rang, and the speakers blasted out. The three villains got up, covering their ears.
SHREDDER: 'Bebop! Rocksteady! Shut off that noise!'
BEBOP: (holding up a laser gun) 'You got it, Boss.'
He fired at the alarm controls, blowing it up, shutting off the alarm. Cyril ran into the room.
CYRIL: 'What's going on here? (To the three villains) And who are you three?'
BEBOP: 'Look, Rocksteady. It's an angry pink elephant.'
The two mutant villains laughed.
CYRIL: (getting mad) I am not an elephant! I'm an aardvark!'
ROCKSTEADY: 'But he looks an elephant. Right, Boss?'
SHREDDER: 'Oh shut up you stupid imbecilic idiots! (talking to his communication device) Krang, you got the coordinates wrong again. We've landed inside some farm castle.'
KRANG: (on the communication device) 'The Sneer Mansion. I thought that would be the best place to start looking.'
SHREDDER: (groans) 'Oh, blast that blob of brains!'
Shredder put the device away.
SHREDDER: (to Cyril) 'Don't you know smoking is bad for your health?'
CYRIL: 'Who asked you?'
ROCKSTEADY: 'Well, actually…'
CYRIL: 'Guards!!!'
A group of bears ran in.
CYRIL: 'Take these three intruders to the dungeon!'
BEBOP: 'Uh oh, we're in trouble.'
SHREDDER: 'Silence you numbskulls!'
He threw a device at the ground, as the bears approached them. The device exploded, filling the room with gas. Cyril, the bears and the pigs all coughed from the gas.

OUTSIDE THE MANSION
Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady ran out of the main doorway.
BEBOP: 'The was some great thinking, Boss.'
ROCKSTEADY: 'Yeah. Now what?'
SHREDDER: (groans) 'Do I have to explain everything to you cretins?!'

BACK INSIDE
The gas smoke cleared away.
ALICIA: 'We should call the police. Those guys are trouble.'
LLOYD: 'I'm way ahead of you.'
CYRIL: 'Pigs! Call the Cops!'
FLOYD/ BOYD: 'Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes Sir.'

THE RACCOONDOMINIUM
Bert, Ralph, Melissa, Bentley, Lisa and Michelle walked in.
BERT: 'Guys, I'm serious. I know who I saw.'
BENTLEY: 'This is exactly how you behaved the last time, (talks like a ghoul) when the aliens were invading.'
BERT: 'Fine! Don't believe me! I'm gonna watch T-V!'
He turned on the TV, and April O'Neil appeared on the screen.
APRIL: 'This is April O'Neil of Channel 6 News, coming to you live from the Evergreen Forest.'
BERT: 'Look, it's April O'Neil. There, still think I'm making it up?'
RALPH: 'Well, that is an amazing coincidence.'
MELISSA: 'Yeah, I'll say. She looks just like April from the Ninja Turtles series.'
Bert groaned. Then there was a knock at the door. Lisa answered it, and it was the four turtles.
RAPHAEL: 'Hey guys. Have you seen a dude with a metal mask running around out here?'
LISA: (shocked) 'It's… It's… It's… It's…'
BERT: 'It's the Turtles. Now do you all believe me?'
RALPH: 'Oh my goodness. It really is them.'
MELISSA: 'I'm sorry we ever doubted you, Bert.'
RALPH: (to the Turtles) 'What brings you guys to the Evergreen Forest?'
LEONARDO: 'Our old friend, the Shredder is up to no good once again. He's placed spy cameras around this part of the world.'
DONATELLO: 'We've been tracking them down with this (holds up a radar device), so we can destroy them.'
BERT: 'So that's why you showed up, where I accidentally damaged what I thought was something else.'
MICHAELANGELO: 'Exactomondo, Raccoon Dude. But the device was still tickin'.'
LEONARDO: 'We just destroyed the camera completely, and now we think Shredder is now here in person.'
LISA: 'We'll help you stop him. I wish Jenny was here with us, right now.'
BERT: 'Hey Mikey, before we go find Shredder, would you like to try some of my famous peanut butter pizza?'
MICHAELANGELO: 'Pizza? Alright.'
RALPH: 'Bert, there is no time to work on the pizza. Maybe after we've beat Shredder. Okay?'
BERT: 'Okay, Ralph.'

FOREST CLEARING
April O'Neil was there with her Channel 6 news van. Also with her were Irma and Vernon.
IRMA: 'Do you think I'll find any single men here, April?'
APRIL: 'I don't know, Irma. I know Ranger Dan lives here with his two kids.'
IRMA: 'Oh.'
VERNON: 'I don't see why we had to do a news broadcast here in the middle of nowhere.'
APRIL: 'Come on, Vernon. I've been told this is one place where a lot of exciting things happen.'
Bert, Ralph and Melissa, Lisa, Bentley, Michelle and Penny ran up to them.
BERT: 'Hey, you're the Channel 6 News crew.'
APRIL: 'Talking raccoons?'
Vernon screamed, and leaped into Irma's arms.
IRMA: 'Oh Vernon!'
She dropped Vernon, and he fell to the ground.
APRIL: (to the Raccoons) 'You're mutants, aren't you?'
RALPH: 'We're not mutants. We live here.'
MICHAELANGELO: (running up to them, with the other turtles) 'Hey it's April and Irma.'
APRIL: 'The turtles.'
IRMA: 'Wow, excitement really does happen in the Evergreen Forest.'
All of a sudden a portal opened, and several Foot Soldiers stepped through. And the portal closed.
RAPHAEL: 'Uh-oh - looks like we're in trouble.'
Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady ran up to them.
SHREDDER: 'It's all over, Shellbacks! Foot Soldiers, destroy the turtles.'
The foot soldiers got ready to attack.
LEONARDO: 'Okay turtles, let's fight with honour!'

MUSIC SCENE: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme
The Ninja Turtles drew out their weapons and took on the evil foot soldiers, and destroyed them. Bebop and Rocksteady advanced towards April, Irma, Vernon and the Raccoons. Lisa leaped forward, and span around, kicking both Bebop and Rocksteady into a tree nearby.
BEBOP: 'That girl's tougher than she looks.'
Leonardo clashed swords with the Shredder.
SHREDDER: 'You fight well, turtle!'
LEONARDO: 'Coming from you, Tin Grin, that's a compliment!'
Leonardo sent Shredder's sword, flying out of his hand.
SHREDDER: 'No!'
The turtles, and the raccoons ganged up on the three villains, and they all surrounded them.
RAPHAEL: 'Give it up, Shred Head. You're outnumbered this time. (To the camera) I always wanted to say that.'
SHREDDER: (into his communication device) 'Krang, the portal. Hurry.'
The portal opened, and the three villains leaped through it.
END OF MUSIC SCENE

BERT: 'They got away again!' (Thinks to himself) 'This'll be when Raph would say "So what else is new?".'
RAPHAEL: 'So what else is new?'
BERT: (thinking to himself) 'Bingo.'

BLUE SPRUCE CAFE
The raccoons, the turtles, and April, Irma and Vernon were there, along with Cedric and Sophia.
IRMA: (to Lisa, Melissa and Sophia) 'You three girls are lucky, while I'm still trying to find Mr. Right.'
LISA: 'Sorry, Irma.'
SOPHIA: 'We didn't mean to make you jealous.'
MELISSA: 'We hope you'll find the right guy some day.'
IRMA: 'It's okay. Thanks girls.'
PENNY: 'If it makes you feel any better Irma, you kinda remind us of one of our friends?'
IRMA: 'Yeah? Who?'
PENNY: 'Jeanette of the Chipettes.'
IRMA: (gasps) 'You guys are friends with the Chipettes?'
MICHELLE: 'Yup, and the Chipmunks.'
IRMA: 'No way.'
BERT: 'Way.'
MICHAELANGELO: 'No-ooo way!'
BERT: 'Way!'
RAPHAEL: (to the camera) 'Excellent.'
SOPHIA: 'I was also accidentally turned giant like you once.'
IRMA: 'Whoa! I still have nightmares from that time. That was not the way I wanted to spend my birthday.'
APRIL: 'I know what you mean, Irma. At least we were able to change you back to normal.'
VERNON: (to himself) 'Yeah, and cancel my chances of ever getting your job.'
APRIL: (sneering) 'What did you say, Vernon?'
Vernon gasps and falls over.
VERNON: 'How could she hear me?'
SCHAEFFER: (walking in) Here are your dinners. For our special guests. Four pizzas with what you wanted on them.'
RAPHAEL: (taking the pizza) 'All right!'
MICHAELANGELO: (taking another pizza) 'Bodacious!'
BERT: (looking at his pizza) 'Hey, where's the peanut butter?'
SCHAEFFER: 'Oh I'm sorry Bert. I didn't know you wanted a peanut butter pizza.'
He took Bert's pizza back.
SCHAEFFER: 'I'll be back with your pizza.'
He accidentally slipped on a banana skin, and sent the pizza and trey flying in the air. The trey hit the fan/light on the ceiling, causing it to fall on Bert who screamed as it landed on top of him.

AN HOUR LATER
Bert woke up, and discovered he was lying on a stretcher in an operating room at the Evergreen Hospital.
BERT: 'Hey, what's going on here?'
Nurse Peck walked in.
PECK: 'Don't worry Bert. You just suffered a blow to the head. Doctor Dregg will be with you shortly.'
BERT: 'Thanks, Nurse Peck.'
Nurse Peck left the room. Then Bert suddenly realised something.
BERT: 'Wait a minute. Doctor Dregg?'
The door opened, and Lord Dregg walked in, wearing a surgery outfit, rather than his normal attire.
DREGG: 'Good evening…? (Looks at his forms) Mr. Bert Raccoon. It appears you've suffered brain damage from eating a… peanut butter sandwich?'
BERT: 'Huh?'
DREGG: 'Nurse HiTech.'
HITECH: (walking in, disguised as a nurse) 'Yes, Doctor Dregg?'
DREGG: 'Give him the anaesthetic, so I can operate, and turn him into a cyborg.'
BERT: (scared) 'Agh!'
HITECH: 'As you command, Doctor Dregg.'
He got out a mini electric buzz saw, and switched it on. HiTech advanced towards the scared Bert.
BERT: 'No! I've learnt my lesson! No more sandwiches at midnight! Please don't kill me! No! NOOOOO!!!'

THE RACCOONDOMINIUM
Bert was screaming in bed, as he woke up. He stopped when he saw Ralph, Melissa, Bentley, Lisa, Michelle, Penny, Cedric and Sophia.
MELISSA: 'Bert, are you okay?'
BERT: 'I had the most exciting and scary dream. And you guys were all there.'
DREGG: (popping up between Ralph and Melissa) 'Was I there?'
Bert screamed at the sight of Dregg.
BERT: (covering his face with his bed blanket) 'AAAAAAGHH!!! I'm still having the nightmare!!!'
He pulled down the blanket, and stopped screaming when he noticed it was really Schaeffer standing between Ralph and Melissa.
BERT: 'Oh, hi Schaeffer. I thought you were an evil scary alien.'
MELISSA: 'I was right. You are seeing aliens again. I hope you've learnt your lesson about what happens when you eat a peanut butter sandwich in the middle of the night.'
BERT: 'Yes, I've learnt my lesson. Err, hold on a second.'
He pinched himself.
BERT: 'Ow! (Happy) Yes, I am wide awake this time. You won't believe the strange dreams I've had. At first I dreamt that we were Japanese superheroes fighting Zydos, then I dreamt we met the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and we helped them stop Shredder and his evil foot soldiers…'

OUTSIDE THE RACCOONDOMINIUM
NARRATOR: 'Bert had an amazing dream that night. So amazing that his friends believed him. And as of that day, Bert stopped eating peanut butter sandwiches at midnight, because he feared that if he did, he would see more strange things when he's wide awake.'


THE END


MUSIC
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme
LISA LOUGHEED: Run With Us


3.3.2011