Three's A Crowd

THE RACCOONS FAN FICTION

THREE’S A CROWD

Written by Stephen Ricketts and Jacob Turner

The Raccoons (c) Evergreen Raccoons Marketing Inc.
Michelle Raccoon belongs to Michelleraccoon.

NOTE: This story features Lisa’s old boyfriend, who was seen in the episode, “Moving In.” His name was never mentioned, so Jacob and I decided to name him Curtis, after Curtis King Jr.


THE SNEER MANSION
Cyril Sneer was relaxing in the living room, watching TV.
BASIL FAWLTY ON TV: ‘What’s the matter with you? It’s perfectly simple! We have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell! That wasn’t the fire bell, right?!’
CYRIL: ‘Seen it.’
He used a remote to change the channel.
GOLDAR ON TV: ‘Yes, keep calling your friends! Because without them, you’re nothing!’
CYRIL: ‘Seen it.’
He changed the channel again.
NARRATOR ON TV: ‘This is the Evergreen Forest. Quiet. Peaceful…’
CYRIL: ‘When is this not on?!’
He turned off the TV.
CYRIL: ‘I’ll watch that new YouTube video Michelle created.’

A FEW MINUTES LATER
Cyril watched the video. It showed him and Bert talking. And Cyril was seen holding money.
BERT IN VIDEO: ‘How much is it Cyril?’
CYRIL IN VIDEO: (voiced by Vegeta) ‘It’s over nine-thousand!’
CYRIL: ‘That’s not my voice. But it is funny. What else is on this website? I’ll check out this Ebay I heard about. (Clicks onto the page) It’s a shopping website. You can buy things, and sell things. Aha! I’ve got a new idea!’
There was a knock at the door..
CYRIL: ‘Pigs, get the door!’
LLOYD: ‘I’ll get it, Sir!’
He ran up to the door, and got ready to open it, when the door swung open, pushing him aside. It was Mr. Knox at the door.
MR. KNOX: (stepping inside) ‘Mr. Sneer. I have thought of a new idea to help the world.’
CYRIL: ‘Go ahead, Knox, I’m all ears.’
MR. KNOX: ‘We should open a shopping website, and sell our environmental products online.’
CYRIL: ‘That was my idea.’
MR. KNOX: ‘Ah, but I said it first.’
CYRIL: ‘You...! You’re right. But the problem is neither of us know much about the internet. And Cedric has gone to Beijing with Sophia. She is representing Canada in the Olympic games.’
MR. KNOX: ‘I wish her luck, Mr. Sneer. But if Cedric is gone, who will help set up our website?’
CYRIL: ‘I know just the person for the job.’

THE RACCOONS’ HOME
Bentley Raccoon and Michelle Raccoon were in the living room. They had set up the Xbox, and were about to start playing, “Ty the Tasmanian Tiger 2.” Lisa watched as they were getting ready to play. There was a knock at the door.
LISA: ‘I wonder who that is?’
She answered the door, and it was Cyril.
LISA: ‘Mr. Sneer.’
CYRIL: ‘Is Bentley home?’
LISA: ‘Yes, he is.’
CYRIL: ‘Great. May I come in?’
LISA: ‘Yes, of course.’
Cyril stepped in, and walked into the living room.
CYRIL: ‘Hi Kids. Hey Michelle, I watched your latest video. I like the, “over nine-thousand,” part.’
MICHELLE: (blushing) ‘Thanks, Mr. Sneer.’
CYRIL: ‘So what are you kids playing?’
BENTLEY: ‘We're playing, “Ty the Tasmanian Tiger.” We're gonna play the cart game.. I’m playing Ty.’
MICHELLE: ‘And I'm going to play Shazza.’
CYRIL: (looking at Shazza on the TV) ‘Hey that’s the dingo lady who called me, “Possum,” on your video.’
MICHELLE: ‘Yes, that’s right, Mr Sneer.’
CYRIL: ‘So, who really is this Possum?’
BENTLEY: ‘It’s Ty the Tasmanian Tiger.’
Cyril looked confused.
MICHELLE: ‘It’s her pet name for him.’
CYRIL: ‘I guess that makes sense. Anyway, Bentley, how would you like to make a hundred dollars?’
BENTLEY: ‘A hundred dollars? Awesome. What do you want me to do?’
CYRIL: ‘I want you to help me set up my new shopping website. But I’ll wait until you’ve finished your game.’
BENTLEY: ‘Okay, Mr. Sneer.’
LISA: (walking in) ‘I’m going to Mr. Willow’s store. Is there anything you want?’
BENTLEY: ‘No, thanks.’
LISA: ‘Okay.’

MR. WILLOW’S STORE
Lisa entered the store, and was surprised by who she saw there. It was her old boyfriend from the city.
LISA: ‘Curtis?’
CURTIS: ‘Lisa. Aren’t you a sight for saw eyes.’
LISA: (smiling) ‘It’s been a long time.’

FLASHBACK: MOVING IN
Lisa’s memories, of her playing basketball, with Curtis supporting her. And her and Curtis dancing at the school dance.

PRESENT
CURTIS: ‘I heard you moved to the Evergreen Forest. I just had to see you again.’
LISA: ‘It’s good to see you again too.’
MR. WILLOW: ‘So you two are friends.’
LISA: ‘Yes, we are, Mr. Willow. (To Curtis) I have to tell you something, Curtis. I have a new boyfriend now.’
CURTIS: ‘Really? (Lisa nods) That’s cool. Who is he? I’d like to meet him.’
Bert Raccoon entered the store.
BERT: ‘Who loves Peanut Butter? Bert loves Peanut Butter. (Picks up a jar of peanut butter) Is it true? Mm-hmm! I do, I do, I do, I do-ooh!’
He kissed the jar, and walked up to the counter, and paid for it.
BERT: ‘Hey, Lisa. Who’s your friend?’
LISA: ‘This is Curtis. He’s an old friend.’
BERT: (shaking Curtis’ hand) ‘Nice to meet you, Curtis.’
He left the store.
CURTIS: (to Lisa) ‘Well, I can tell that he isn’t your new boyfriend.’
LISA: (nervously) ‘Well, actually…’
CURTIS: ‘He is?’

THE WOODS
Lisa and Curtis were walking along the woods.
LISA: ‘When I first visited, he fell for me. I hardly knew him. Then my whole family moved to the Evergreen Forest. I feared I had lost you forever. But I got to know Bert a bit more. He was there for me, and I fell in love with him. He may be funny, but he’s a great friend, like you.’
CURTIS: ‘If you say so. Look, Lisa I came here to see you again, hoping that you haven’t forgotten me.’
LISA: ‘I haven’t.’
CURTIS: ‘But you are now in love with this Bert.’
Lisa started to hug him.
LISA: ‘I missed you, a lot.’
They hugged each other, unaware that Bert was watching nearby, with a shocked look on his face.
BERT: ‘What?! Lisa!’
They stopped hugging when they heard Bert. They saw him stepping into the open.
LISA: ‘Bert.’
BERT: (heartbroken) ‘How could you?!’
He ran off.
LISA: ‘Bert wait! It’s not what you think!’
CURTIS: ‘I’m sorry, Lisa.’

THE SNEER MANSION
Bentley was working on the new website. Cyril and Mr. Knox walked into the room, and they walked up to Bentley.
CYRIL: ‘Okay, Bentley. Let’s see what you’ve done.’
BENTLEY: ‘I’ve got the pages done. Your logo, the layout, everything. I listed all the products including pictures, and the prices. All you have to do now is register your card details. So when the customers pay, the money will go into your account.’
CYRIL: ‘Great. Then I can publish it on the internet.’
BENTLEY: ‘There is something else. You need an internet service provider. To provide space for the shopping website.’
MR. KNOX: ‘Might I recommend the Mammoth Internet Service.’
CYRIL: ‘What? Mammoth?’
BENTLEY: ‘Well, he is the closest.’
CYRIL: ‘Hmm, good point. Very well.’

HALF AN HOUR LATER
The website was finally online.
BENTLEY: ‘It’s complete. Now all you have to do is wait for the orders to come in.’
CYRIL: ‘And I can send the items to their doors by mail, and I get the money they pay for the services. (Laughs) I am Cyril Sneer! Environmental Profiteer! Whenever I am near, pollution will disappear! Great work, Bentley. (Hands out an envelope) Here is your hundred dollars.’
BENTLEY: (looking at the money inside) ‘Thanks, Mr. Sneer.’
He left the mansion in a happy mood.

EVERGREEN LAKE
Bert was sulking by the lake.
BERT: ‘Why didn’t Lisa tell me she already had a boyfriend? After what we had been through together.’

MUSIC SCENE: CURTIS KING JR & LISA LOUGHEED: All Life Long
FLASHBACKS
SPRING FEVER: Bert meeting Lisa at the train station. Bert and Lisa canoeing, and they kissed. Bert and Lisa at the Blue Spruce Cafe.
MOVING IN: Bert and Lisa playing basketball.
JOIN THE CLUB: Bert catching Lisa and Donna smoking. Lisa telling Bert she was a fool to take up smoking.
GO FOR GOLD: Bert and Lisa bike riding. Bert and Lisa at the Blue Spruce cafe. Bert winning the triathlon. And Lisa holding the gold medal, outside the house.
DATING, EVERGREEN FOREST STYLE: Bert and Lisa dancing.
SOPHIA'S BIRTHDAY SURPRISE: Alvin and Brittany singing "Kiss the Girl" to Bert and Lisa in a teasing way.
INSOMNIA: Bert and Lisa boating on the lake.
END OF MUSIC SCENE

PRESENT
Bert was still sulking by the lake. Curtis walked up to him.
CURTIS: ‘You’re upset, aren’t you.’
BERT: ‘Why? Because you stole Lisa away from me?’
CURTIS: ‘She was in love with me first. And I only came to see her. I just came to tell you that we're gonna see the new High School Musical movie at the cinema. You are welcome to come with us.’
BERT: ‘I’d rather not.’
CURTIS: ‘Very well. Good day, Bert.’
He walked off.
BERT: ‘What if he’s right? What if Lisa is still in love with him? What if he goes back to the city, and Lisa goes back with him? What will become of me? I can’t let that happen!’
He got up.
BERT: ‘I'm going to the cinema too!’

THE SNEER MANSION
The bears were at work, packaging stuff in boxes, and stamping addresses on them. Cyril watched them working.
CYRIL: ‘I got twenty customers in the last two hours. And very soon, they'll get what they ordered, and I will receive lots of money, (Laughs).’

THE CINEMA
Bert walked into the cinema, carrying a bucket of popcorn.
BERT: (looking down at the bucket) ‘Peanut Butter Popcorn. The best popcorn there is.’
He spotted Curtis and Lisa sitting together. He sat down on a chair a few rows behind them, so he could watch them, but they couldn’t see him. Bert’s curiosity was shocked as he saw Curtis put his arm around Lisa’s back, and Lisa smiled at him, and he smiled back.
BERT: ‘I can’t watch this anymore.’
He ran out of the room.
DUCK: (who was sitting next to him) ‘I guess he can’t stand this movie.’

THE LOBBY
Bert was walking up and down the room, eating his popcorn.
BERT: ‘Curtis and Lisa were holding hands. (Eats popcorn) Curtis and Lisa were smiling at each other. (Eats more popcorn) Curtis and Lisa were in love before I came along. (Eats more popcorn) Things can’t get any worse.’
FOX AT THE COUNTER: ‘Excuse me, Sir. What movie are you talking about?’
BERT: ‘I’m not talkin' about a movie. I’m talkin' about my friend. I’m outta here.’
He left the cinema.
FOX: (to himself, looking confused) ‘What’s with him?’

THE RACCOONDOMINIUM: AT NIGHT
Bert was asleep.
BERT: (talking in his sleep) ‘No, Lisa. Please don’t leave me. Please.’

BERT’S DREAM
Bert ran through the woods and saw Lisa with Curtis.
BERT: (grabbing onto Lisa’s leg) ‘Please Lisa! Please don’t go with him! I love you!’
LISA: ‘You’re a nice person, Bert, but I have a confession to make. I never loved you!’
Bert was shocked by what Lisa said. And Lisa had an evil expression on her face. She slapped Bert, and sent him flying back. He landed on a wooden bridge, and it broke under him. He fell off the bridge, screaming.
END OF DREAM

Bert woke up, having fallen out of bed.
BERT: ‘This can’t be happening! I’ve gotta win Lisa back!’

THE NEXT DAY
THE SNEER MANSION
Mr. Knox was waiting inside, and Cyril returned, holding a pile of dollars.
CYRIL: ‘I just went to the cash point, and drew out what we made over the shopping website. We’re in the money, (Laughs)!’
MR. KNOX: ‘Mr. Sneer, I just got a call from Mr. Mammoth. They wanna be paid for their services every week, in cash.’
CYRIL: ‘What?’
MR. KNOX: ‘So we need to sort it out.’

A FEW MINUTES LATER
There were two stacks of dollars. One big stack, and one small one. Cyril and Mr. Knox looked at both stacks.
CYRIL: ‘Please tell me the big one’s for us.’
MR. KNOX: ‘You might wanna look away, Mr. Sneer.’
CYRIL: ‘Please be quick.’
Cyril turned away, and Mr. Knox picked up the big pile of money.
MR. KNOX: ‘Mr. Sneer, I…’
CYRIL: ‘Will you just go!’
MR. KNOX: ‘Yes, Sir.’
He walked out of the mansion. Cyril picked up the remaining dollars, and rubbed them against his face. He laughed his laugh, but he was also crying.

THE BLUE SPRUCE CAFE
Bert was sitting at the counter, drinking a glass of Peanut Butter Soda. Schaeffer noticed that he looked miserable.
SCHAEFFER: ‘Bert? Are you okay, Bert? You look terrible.’
BERT: ‘I’ve been rejected. Lisa, she’s more interested in Curtis.’
SCHAEFFER: ‘You mean that raccoon she was with? They were here an hour ago.’
Bert looked shocked.
SCHAEFFER: ‘He’s a nice guy.’
BERT: ‘Yeah, he is. And I’m just nothing.’
Lisa and Curtis walked into the cafe.
LISA: ‘Bert. We’ve been looking everywhere for you.’
CURTIS: ‘We need to talk.’
LISA: ‘Err Schaeffer, do you mind…’
SCHAEFFER: ‘You want me to go. Sure thing. I need to sort a few things in the back anyway.’
He left the room.
LISA: (to Bert) ‘I know you’re sad. And I believe you were also scared that you might lose me. Curtis and I are just old friends catching up.’
CURTIS: ‘She’s right. I have a new girlfriend now. I told Lisa when we watched, “High School Musical 3.” When Lisa and I met the other day, it felt like old times. That was the reason we’ve been holding hands, and kissing. All Lisa could talk about the other night was you, Bert. She really likes you.’
BERT: (to Lisa) ‘Really?’
LISA: ‘Really, Bert.’
BERT: ‘Whew, that’s a relief. So, Curtis, how long are you staying in the forest?’
CURTIS: ‘Until Saturday. Why?’
BERT: ‘Well, perhaps the three of us could get together and… And watch the “High School Musical,” movie again. If that’s alright with you two?’
LISA: ‘Sure. And next time, we could invite Bentley and Michelle as well.’
BERT: ‘Yeah!’
VOICE: 'Could I come, too?'
The three raccoons turn and see it was Penny.
LISA: 'Sure, Penny.'
BERT: 'Just get your parents' permission first.'
PENNY: 'Okay!'
The four raccoons cheered.
SCHAEFFER: (entering the room) ‘So everything’s hunky-dory, huh?’
LISA: ‘Yes, Schaeffer.’
NARRATOR: ‘That day, Bert made a new friend in Curtis. And the following day, Bert, Lisa, Curtis, Bentley, Michelle and Penny went to the cinema, and they all had a good time. As for Cyril Sneer, his online shopping days ended very quickly.’

THE SNEER MANSION
Bentley tried to view the Sneer Shopping website.
BENTLEY: ‘Mr. Sneer. What happened to your shopping website?’
CYRIL: ‘I closed it down. It was too much work. Plus, Mammoth is getting right up my nose! I made a lot of money, and I lost it to pay for the dad-blasted website! I think I’ll just stick to selling things the old way, Bentley.’
BENTLEY: ‘Okay, Mr. Sneer. I’ll see you later.’
CYRIL: ‘See ya, kid.’
Bentley left the mansion.

SATURDAY
EVERGREEN TRAIN STATION
Lisa and Bert said their goodbyes to Curtis.
CURTIS: ‘I’m happy for you, Lisa. And you too, Bert. Be happy together. I’ll tell all the friends at home how much you miss them, Lisa.’
LISA: ‘Thanks, Curtis. Have a safe journey home.’
CURTIS: ‘Thanks.’
He got on the train, and it left the station. Curtis looked through the window, and waved goodbye to Bert and Lisa. Once the train had left her sight, Lisa looked a bit sad, having to say goodbye to Curtis again.
BERT: ‘Lisa, are you okay?’
LISA: ‘Yes, I am, Bert. It’s just that seeing him go brought back some painful memories from when I left him, and moved here with my family.’
BERT: ‘I understand that, Lisa. But you still have me.’
LISA: ‘You’re right, Bert.’
They kissed, and they walked off.
NARRATOR: ‘Bert Raccoon learnt that even though Lisa still had feelings for Curtis, it didn’t change anything between them. And for Lisa, Bert was the next important person in her life.’


THE END


MUSIC
CURTIS KING JR & LISA LOUGHEED: All Life Long


26.8.2008